Guilt

What do you feel guilty about? We all experience this intense emotion. As a mom, I often find the guilt overwhelming. I feel so guilty that I miss out on so much time while I am working and my son is being cared for by others. Not to long ago I was crying over this thought. I got a new job that my schedule was fixed, and I had to work until 8 pm. I would be so sad that I saw my son right before bed time. The guilt felt so intense in that moment. I pulled out my journal and starting writing. Once you get the thoughts out of your head and on to paper they can start falling into place and looking so much clearer.

I wrote about exactly what made me feel guilty. My organized thoughts helped me to see all sides of this guilt. I was feeling so guilty that I was working and that my son had to go to others houses. He was making life experiences or memories that I wasn’t a part of. This isn’t a new concept to me since I was divorced when he was rather small. But that made the feeling all the more intense, I would often look at my time with him as already limited and then I am further sharing him because I have to work. Work is a necessity for me, I need to make money so that I can provide for him. I have worked since he was 12 weeks old so this isn’t new, but there are moments that it feels so sad to be missing out on him. I missed his first steps, because I was at work. The only thing in life that we often don’t cherish is time yet it slips away from us so quickly.

While I wrote in my journal I was able to see the necessity of the things I felt guilty doing. As soon as saw this perspective I was able to let it go. Since, I don’t get to stay at home with my son I really enjoy the moments I do have with him. These small moments are so precious, and we are able to enjoy them better since there is a break from each other. Alhumdillah ala kuli hal (praise be to Allah for all circumstances). Moms really let this burden weigh heavy on us, from the moment that our child is born. This isn’t how it is intended to be though. Each child is different with there own personalities and needs. As long as we are doing our very best, then it is okay to let go of this guilt.

Guilt is a part of our genetic makeup, it can be used to guide us. If we are feeling overwhelmed or guilty it is likely that we need to reflect and refocus. We may need to repent and redirect the direction we are headed. The most beautiful thing is we don’t need a New Year or a special moment to start over. We have 5 opportunities a day, the whole direction of our lives can change with just one salat. Don’t ever think it is too late, because we can change for the better at anytime. We may need to tell ourselves this moment is okay, I am doing my best. Then take the action to correct what needs to be corrected. The last thing we need to do is stay stuck in the feeling of guilt. We have so many emotions all of them are valid.

In Surah Al-Asr it states 1. I swear by the time. 2. Most surely man is in loss. 3. Except those who believe and do good, and enjoin on each other truth, and enjoin on each other patience.

To reflect on this and see that we as humans are in loss. We are always in a rush, but at the end of it all our time on Earth is short. It is so important for us to analyze how am I spending this time? Is the way I am spending contributing to my afterlife, or is it counting against me. I am so guilty of wasting time daily thinking I am “busy”. We don’t need to make a drastic change today, but small changes can add up to a lot. Maybe take 5 minutes to reflect on a ayah after Fajr. Once you become consistent with that you can add it to another prayer. Or instead of playing music in the car, listen to a lecture or Quran recitation. These simple shifts in our management of time can have a huge impact on our lives. Don’t let guilt overwhelm you, I encourage you to use the feeling to reflect on what else is going on in your life currently. Until next time, asalamu alaikum (peace be upon you).